fastidious: this is how my good friend leo describes me, which i actually acknowledge and agree to. i’ve been told a lot of times by different people that i am really difficult to please. nothing and nobody seem to totally please me. if something or somebody appeals me, i usually give him/her/it a shot. for a fleeting moment, i would feel content. the interest then wanes. i kinda have the propensity to find flaws on anything and anybody; and no matter how minor a flaw is, i always make a big deal out of it. then i lose interest.

i sometimes think that i should just accept things as they are: that nothing or nobody is perfect. alas, i’m uncompromising! i know, i know, they say “life is full of compromise;” but i just can’t seem to compel myself to do so. earlier, i was surfing through the net when i came across the following comment from david horowitz (whoever he is), which apparently motivates him.

"life is full of compromise, but to compromise principle is to give up your self-respect. i don't want anyone to take me for a sucker, and i don't like to see anyone else taken, either. a lot of things are unfair in life. it's tough: that's the way it is. but by heaven, if you can do something about it, do it!”

well, this comment is about compromising a principle so it doesn’t really relate to what i’m blabbing about; but i’ve drawn an analogy out of it. david said that compromising principle is giving up one’s self-respect. for me, giving up self-respect is basically giving up the entire self, and this is precisely what compromising is. and i don’t want to give up anything that i’m comfortable and accustomed with for something or someone. i get to keep the whole me i’ve grown to be. i’m selfish, and i don’t feel like compromising to compromise.

they also say that, “life is full of risks,” and i think that compromising is a risk. some would approach risks head on, others would take some precautions. and when it comes to compromising, i on the other hand, would take the risk on not risking. i’m a coward.

over a month ago, i wrote something about my drive for changing some aspects in my life. now, should i take a u-turn from being fastidious? is it time to compromise? in david’s comment, he said, “if you can do something about it, do it!” yeah, i think i am capable of doing that, and i guess it's about time to do so. but then again, i’m a thinker, i’m no doer!

boy, do i negate myself! i’m my worst enemy.

oh, did i say i’m also fickle?!?!