my new crush! he's the guy from one of mcdonald's mcrice burger tv commercials. boy, i wish he was mine! yummy!!! lol

“i want to be a catalyst for self-expression.”
- princess, on why she wants to be a rockista

thanks to dvd9, i am now officially a couch potato. in a month’s time, i’ve managed to watch 6 seasons of “sex and the city,” 5 seasons of “scrubs,” 4 seasons of “family guy,” 2 seasons of “entourage” and 2 seasons of “coupling” (movies not included). it’s fascinating how one could really relate to most characters in the movies and tv series.

i finished watching bbc’s “coupling” early yesterday and i found it tummy cramping hilarious. it’s like a cross between “sex and the city” and “friends.” the characters are very funny but i was able to relate more on gina bellman’s self-obsessive character, jane christie. here’s one of her monologues where she initially talks about her new boyfriend (whom she hasn’t actually met yet and has only seen through a window across her flat) but being the self-absorbed attention-grabbing narcissist that she is, she eventually ends it with a subconscious self-realization, which she then projects to her so-called boyfriend.

“sometimes i look at him sitting there waiting, and sometimes i can almost hear the terrible voices of his inner torment – echoing out from the great black emptiness of his heart. i’m alone; nobody wants me. i’m a sad, boring little person who has to be the center of attention every second of the day just to drown the screaming choirs of my own insanity. and i’ll never find a man of my own. oh, my god! do you think he’s gay?”

fun video! i like the guy - he's so cute. i like his smile - very charming. i like his stare - very sensual. i like his swagger - very confident. if i were the girl, i would've pulled the guy towards me, french kissed him then groped his crotch and ass in front of all the ogling people. hahaha!

a couple nights ago, i got the chance to chat with a really good friend of mine, nancy, whom i haven’t seen for over half a year now. we were exchanging updates on what has been happening in our lives lately when she asked me, “so, have you found yourself a boyfriend yet?” a nonchalant “no” was the only response that she got from me, and so she then interposed, “ugh, pathetic!” i know that it was only an innocuous remark and really meant no harm; hence, i just brushed it aside. my friends and i are quite immune to such animadversion albeit we could sound somewhat offensive and harsh at times. nonetheless, it was still enough to make me ponder. not that it hit a sore spot, it just plainly made me do some thinking. argh!

i’ve been meaning to write an entry about my intimacy issues and commitment-phobia, and it has really been long overdue. however, as much as i want to expound more on this topic, i have so many things in my mind now that i really have to blow off of my system. so i might not be coherent on this entry but i will still try my best to put flow on it. i just wish i could organize my thoughts though. argh!

moving on, last saturday afternoon, a few days after contemplating on nancy’s comment, leo’s friend jean asked him for my number to fix me up with one of her good friends. i only met her once so i am flattered that she considers me as a worthy catch for her friend. as someone who applies malcom gladwell’s book “blink” on almost a daily basis (basically someone who’s judgmental), i immediately and sincerely liked her when we first met anyways and it was really thoughtful of her; so i gave leo the go signal to give jean my number. might as well give it a shot for this could potentially be what i’ve been waiting for in my directionless life. or maybe not. argh!

early that evening, i found myself eagerly exchanging sms with jean’s friend. i found his blunt, straightforward, no-nonsense approach really interesting and appealing. so even if i was with my friends at that time in mall of asia, i was busy and was taking pleasure in an entire texting world of my own where i couldn’t be perturbed or pestered. i decided to put it on a rest though after the whole group had dinner since we were off to the mtv-colt 45 rockista launch at the mall of asia’s south seaside parking area. boy, was it a long walk away from the mall itself! argh!

yes, yes, yes! now you’re obviously thinking why the hell were we going to such an event?!?! to a place where i normally wouldn’t dare be caught dead??? a rock concert, for heaven’s sake! teeming with jologs people!!! ugh! why, oh why!?!? argh!

well, we were going there because of friendship; to show some support for a friend, cess, who got qualified as a finalist for the reality tv talent search show. so, since i pride myself as a really good friend (like the way i pride myself as an egotistical, narcissistic megalomaniac. hahaha!), i decided to muster some strength to brave the tacky, crass, odiferous, sweaty and sticky jologs crowd. argh!

at first, we stayed at the rearmost area of the crowd and i was already kinda comfortable there. but then, to show full support for cess, we supposedly had to meet her at the right side of the stage to talk to her and wish her luck. translation: we had to get through a mosh pit to get to the more pacified area (as how adi creatively and in a way reassuringly described it) where we were supposed to meet adi and cess. argh!

the crowd was tremendously intense and rowdy - imagine people jumping and head banging at edsa 3. (yes, edsa 3 kasi jolgos talaga ang mga tao!!! ibang level talaga!) when the performing band finished a song, the sea of people was waning and calming down so my friends and i took the chance to go through the mosh pit because it was becoming more spacious there than the sides and it was easier to move. unfortunately, the band started performing a rather popular rock song again so the people inevitably swarmed to the mosh pit. so there we were, 3 girls and 2 gaymen, stuck somewhere in the crazy mosh pit being elbowed, shoved, kneed and our shoes stepped on! argh!

after what might have been the longest and most strenuous minute in my life, we managed to squeeze ourselves out of the mosh pit and finally got to our destination. true to adi’s words it was a more pacified area – well, relative to the mosh pit, yes it was. after taking a few gasps of air to relax, i remembered i have to check my phone’s message inbox because it vibrated in my pocket while we were in the middle of ruckus. so i reached for the phone in my pocket when…. argh!

alas! no phone!!! argh!

putang ina! putang ina talaga!!! argh!

i was actually conscious about the fact that my phone, wallet or watch could get snatched in such a place - given the type of crowd, of course. this is precisely the reason why i’ve never been to places like divisoria, baclaran, tutuban, et al!!! so when we were moving through the crowd, my right hand was actually protecting my right pocket where my phone was. however, when the people started pushing us in the mosh pit, astrid started protecting her bosoms behind me. and then the protective instinct in me kicked in and made me hug her with my left arm and moved her towards my left side. moreover, i hugged yvonne with my right arm and took her to my right side. (i believe that a guy, albeit gay, should always be protective towards girls. hahaha!) hence, where does that leave my pockets? answer: unguarded!!! thus yet, in the brief moment that we were in the mosh pit, my phone was snatched from my relatively tight right front pocket. argh!

damn! it’s really difficult to live in a country where the majority of the population is comprised of ill-bred, maleducated, opportunistic, worthless, useless, pathetic excuses for scumbags!!! to hell with the jologs people! they should be burned at the stakes – stoked up until their kind is nothing but smoke and ashes! imagine the pollution! argh!

to temporarily veer my mind off the misfortune that just happened to me. i left the concert immediately after i briefly talked to cess, went straight to malate even if it was just 11 pm and then drowned myself with alcohol until the wee hours of the morning. what a way to cope??? i managed to get a hold of nicky that night (good thing leo has nicky's number) to ask for richard's number when i learned that nicky was confined in a hospital. i was tipsy then and was still overwhelmed with what happened to me so i think i was just rambling and ranting and forgot to ask how nicky was doing. sowee nicky! some friend! so much for priding myself as a really good friend then. argh!

2 bottles of san mig strong ice, 4 glasses of vodka (kurant and vanilla) with tonic, 1 glass of butterscotch nordic ice with tonic and 1 glass of michael after, i realized that i am definitely on a financial slump now. way to go! my finances are really messed up now and i hope i could recover from this as soon as possible. darn, i think i’m gonna really have to take the metro when i go to and from work now. gosh, as much as it pains me, i really have to tighten my belt now and do some budgeting. argh!

this reminds me, i have yet to buy some groceries and toiletries. earlier, it didn’t occur to me that i have run out of mouth wash. and so, when i saw adi’s astring-o-sol, i took the liberty to get some. i was already gargling the mouth wash when i read the word below astring-o-sol: concentrated! dammit, that’s why it was stinging my mouth. and boy, does it really sting! it’s so potent that my gums and tongue are still quite numb until now, 5 hours after! how the hell am i supposed to know that i should dilute one part of the mouth wash with four parts of water??? listerine is not this complicated!!! argh!

so for the next couple of weeks, i’m gonna be incommunicado, dateless (obviously since i'm incommunicado) and broke! fuck! i’ll be freaking useless!!! i guess the murphy’s law is true after all: “anything that can go wrong, will.” argh!

fastidious: this is how my good friend leo describes me, which i actually acknowledge and agree to. i’ve been told a lot of times by different people that i am really difficult to please. nothing and nobody seem to totally please me. if something or somebody appeals me, i usually give him/her/it a shot. for a fleeting moment, i would feel content. the interest then wanes. i kinda have the propensity to find flaws on anything and anybody; and no matter how minor a flaw is, i always make a big deal out of it. then i lose interest.

i sometimes think that i should just accept things as they are: that nothing or nobody is perfect. alas, i’m uncompromising! i know, i know, they say “life is full of compromise;” but i just can’t seem to compel myself to do so. earlier, i was surfing through the net when i came across the following comment from david horowitz (whoever he is), which apparently motivates him.

"life is full of compromise, but to compromise principle is to give up your self-respect. i don't want anyone to take me for a sucker, and i don't like to see anyone else taken, either. a lot of things are unfair in life. it's tough: that's the way it is. but by heaven, if you can do something about it, do it!”

well, this comment is about compromising a principle so it doesn’t really relate to what i’m blabbing about; but i’ve drawn an analogy out of it. david said that compromising principle is giving up one’s self-respect. for me, giving up self-respect is basically giving up the entire self, and this is precisely what compromising is. and i don’t want to give up anything that i’m comfortable and accustomed with for something or someone. i get to keep the whole me i’ve grown to be. i’m selfish, and i don’t feel like compromising to compromise.

they also say that, “life is full of risks,” and i think that compromising is a risk. some would approach risks head on, others would take some precautions. and when it comes to compromising, i on the other hand, would take the risk on not risking. i’m a coward.

over a month ago, i wrote something about my drive for changing some aspects in my life. now, should i take a u-turn from being fastidious? is it time to compromise? in david’s comment, he said, “if you can do something about it, do it!” yeah, i think i am capable of doing that, and i guess it's about time to do so. but then again, i’m a thinker, i’m no doer!

boy, do i negate myself! i’m my worst enemy.

oh, did i say i’m also fickle?!?!